Navigating the Chasm: Empowering Your Teen to be Her Unique Self

Is your teenage daughter challenging your authority with, “I don’t want to be like you”? It’s a common scenario, but how should you respond?

Understanding the Natural Transition

Your teenage daughter is asserting her independence and defining her own path in life. It's natural and expected. Parenting isn’t about producing a clone of yourself; it’s about guiding your child to become the best version of themselves. Embracing this transition is not only beneficial for her, but also a healthy sign of her growth.

Responding with Empathy and Understanding

Instead of getting defensive, take a moment to reflect on her statement. Acknowledge her feelings and assure her that you respect her individuality.

Suggested Response: “Good for you! There’s already a me, and there’s already a you. Let’s both concentrate on being the best me and you possible.”

Building a Supportive Dialogue

When you have a conversation, approach it with patience and understanding. Let her know that you value her unique qualities and that you support her in becoming her best self.

Suggested Response: “Tell her that she is her own person, so of course you respect that she wants to be herself and not you. She's not your Mini-Me. Do the opposite—tell her you love her and appreciate all the ways that she is different from you. You only want her to grow up to be her best self and find a life path that makes her happy, independent, and fulfilled.”

Handling Defense and Disappointment

Understand that your daughter might have said this to test your patience or to understand her position better. Try not to take her words personally and avoid feeling insulted.

Suggested Response: “If she was trying to get under your skin, she might be momentarily disappointed! But teens are impulsive and say all kinds of thoughtless things. You be the adult and rise above it. Good luck! Take many deep breaths and have patience! It does get better. And if you have a good friend, you can laugh about it over coffee when your daughter isn’t around.”

Encouraging Parental Self-Reflection

Remember, you are human, and every parent makes mistakes. Encourage your daughter to learn from them, just as you did.

Suggested Response: “Tell her, ‘Fantastic! You want her to be her own complete human being, not a carbon copy of you! And that you will absolutely support her in doing that. Because you know how to make your own mistakes and you want her to learn how to make hers and to grow from them.’”

Putting It All Together

Parenting is a journey filled with challenges and rewards. Embrace this moment and support your daughter in discovering her unique identity. By doing so, you set her on a path to a fulfilling and independent life.