Hidden Self-Destructive Behaviors in People Pleasing

People pleasing, while often seen as a noble and kind gesture, can truly be self-destructive. For many, the habit of people-pleasing is not only detrimental to one's well-being, but it also has far-reaching negative effects on all those around them. This article aims to shed light on certain self-destructive behaviors often overlooked and to provide strategies to help individuals overcome them.

The Honest Truth: People-pleasing is Self-Destructive

People pleasing is not solely about compromising personal values; it actively suppresses a fundamental aspect of human connection—honesty. When we consistently sacrifice our truth, we sever the thread of mutual respect and authenticity that is essential for genuine relationships and self-worth.

Without honesty:

We cannot be known for who we really are We cannot be respected for what we believe We cannot help others who are making misguided choices We cannot truly love or be loved in return

These consequences are devastating, as they damage our ability to form deep, meaningful connections and to live authentically. Truth and transparency are the bedrock of trust and relationships; without them, real love and understanding are impossible.

Less Obvious Self-Destructive Behaviors

Besides the obvious flaws of people-pleasing, there are other behaviors that may not be immediately recognized as harmful. Let's explore two such behaviors and how they can be damaging:

1. Making Friends with the Wrong People

Many individuals in the grips of people-pleasing tendencies unintentionally surround themselves with friends who are detrimental to their growth and well-being. Jordon Peterson, in his book Twelve Rules for Life, advises to avoid befriending those who are toxic or bad for you. These relationships often provide excuses for staying, such as the notion that you’re helping the other person, despite the fact that they are harming you.

Besides emotional strain, these relationships can also have non-obvious harmful effects:

They may insulate you from feedback that could be beneficial for personal growth They can prevent healthy conflict resolution and communication skills They may discourage you from standing up for yourself and setting boundaries

Ultimately, such friendships can lead to a cycle of dependency and reinforces self-destructive behavior patterns.

2. Consistently Lying or Not Speaking the Truth

RULE 9 of Peterson's book advises to always say the truth or at least don't lie. Lying, especially when it involves saying things that do not reflect your true beliefs, is psychologically damaging. According to Peterson, saying things for the sake of saying them, without conviction, can erode your inner voice and sense of self.

This goes beyond mere dishonesty; it includes:

Weak convictions in your own values and beliefs The inability to trust your own instincts and judgment A weakened sense of integrity and authenticity

Over time, lying can become a habitual behavior that undermines your self-esteem and your relationships with others. It can also lead to a distorted perception of reality, causing confusion and internal conflict.

Conclusion

Self-destructive behaviors such as people-pleasing, unreflective friendships, and lying are not just about the surface-level effects; they delimit the possibility of authentic personal growth. By recognizing these hidden behaviors and making a conscious effort to change them, individuals can embark on a journey toward meaningful, fulfilling relationships and a healthier, more honest life.

Remember, the path to self-improvement is often a delicate balance between external change and internal transformation. Embrace honesty, value authenticity, and seek the support of those who uplift and empower you.